Blooming.

I haven’t sat down at this keyboard with the intention of writing anything for a very long time. It baffles me and frustrates me that the words that used to pour out daily with ease have all gathered up together like a flock and billowed away from me. I know there are seasons for things, and this season may not be one of writing for me, but I’m trying to figure out how to live now without getting all tangled up inside- writing is my de-tangler. It combs me through and gets out all the knots.

Life marches on, words or no words, and here I am. The two older boys are in school, and Truman is my all day, everyday 3-year-old sidekick. He hasn’t taken off his batman costume in 9 days. Myer’s training wheels sit recently abandoned in the garage, and the math work Ezra is bringing home looks like blueprints for a spaceship to me. What is supposed to be me ‘checking his work’ ends up being a 30 minute math lesson for mom. He’s a patient and gentle teacher. haha.

We’ve been church planters for eight months now, my husband and I. It is gut-wrenchingly terrifyingly wonderfully AMAZING work. I had no idea. My husband is stepping into some new skin, some fresh authority that I could always see just below the surface- waiting for the chance to exist.  He is a pastor through and through from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet, and seeing the way he cares for and leads this church body in worship with such humble joy is… well, beyond description for the wife’s heart within me. All those years of physical labor – for him as a contractor, for me as a mother of small children – they’ve all been working towards this new birth in him and none of it would have been possible apart from the toil & the longing. It gives everything I do with my days, from the washing of dishes to the checking of math homework, great weight. He serves the church and I serve him.  When I fold the laundry, it is for the church. For the kingdom! Not that you have to be a pastor’s wife to live in these realities, because you don’t. It is reality for all of those who live in God’s kingdom and serve God Himself, but this new season has really brought a lot of this truth home for me in a unique way. I don’t necessarily have to be championing committees to serve my church body, I can serve a warm meal and match up a pair of clean socks. It is a humbling thing, and my flesh often fights against it… my enemy often tells me it’s not enough, but I fight on to believe and embrace it more and more.

The church is blooming, and it is a work that never sleeps. You can’t leave it behind at the office. We are a mobile church, which means we build up & tear down the thing every week. Far from being burdensome, this working alongside one another to build a place for people to come and worship & hear God’s Word together has been an honor and a privilege. Church can become just another thing to consume in this culture of ours. Coming week after week and taking, taking, ingesting… without ever giving back. Abundant joy is found in rolled up sleeves and sweat on the brow- rolling in cases or teaching children or setting up coffee or signs or check-in computers or chairs! The joy of the Lord can overpower a heart in such moments. I know it does mine. Jesus came to serve and pour out His life. Not pour into His own. His sleeves were ROLLED UP, y’all.  Again and again, you can find so much of Him in the least expected of places- a food trough in Bethlehem, a tax collector’s house, a school gymnasium on a Sunday morning. He continues to surprise me. He knows just what we need before we have any inkling of it ourselves, and I am so grateful to follow a God who is control of all things and has my GOOD set before Him at all times.

A couple of days ago, as I watched Myer pedal his bike away from me without the security of those training wheels for the first time, something clicked inside of me. Is there any better picture of faith than that? Is there any better picture of church planting or pastoring or stay-at-home momming, or ANYTHING that we do with these lives of ours? It’s always scary. It’s always wobbly. We’ll probably skin a knee. But it is always worth the risk- to take off the training wheels and pedal forward out of our comfort zones. If I could encourage you all in anything, it would be just that, with every last breath that I have: pedal forward through the unknowns! Step out in faith! If you feel God tugging you towards something uncomfortable, know that He will provide all you need if you will just trust. And know this too: After you step out in faith, things might look grim. No, they most definitely WILL look grim. And then, even grimmer. (totally a word.) But if you’ll just keep moving your feet and trusting He is holding you, you’ll regret nothing, and you’ll find things you didn’t even know you were missing.

Psalm 37:5 – “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act.”

Where Was God?

My wonderful husband has worked SO hard on writing the music for a hope-filled film due to release this weekend called “Where Was God?”.  It follows the lives of several families affected by the tornado that plowed right through Moore, Oklahoma almost one year ago.

This movie is a gut-wrenching look at what the aftermath of an event like this is truly like, and the stories of hope that arise from the rubble.  A city brought low rises up again with stories to tell – stories that will build & strengthen your faith in whatever storms of life you might face. It shows how the winds intertwined more than just branches & debris – it also intertwined hearts and journeys of healing in breathtakingly beautiful and unexpected ways. It’s a story you’ll never forget.

It will release locally at the Warren Theatre in Moore first, but screenings may be requested elsewhere at wherewasgod.com.  Please check out the trailer below, and help spread the word in any way you can!

 

 

the mess & the crash.

To truly know the Father’s love for me.  To somehow smoosh down all of the knowledge of His love that is built up in my head into the deepest depths of my heart. To break up the clog. To clear the line. The more days I live, the more days I see- it’s what I desperately need. It’s all I desperately need. Every other thing is swept away in it.

I know God loves me. I’ve been singing it since I was three. Jesus loves me this I know. This I know. This I know!

But what happens when the weight of the knowing never crushes the heart and splays it wide open? Never wrecks it? Never presses the knowledge down into a tangible affection that trumps every other hard circumstance or blatant devil lie?

I have walked for so long within the walls of church, that I fear I somehow long ago stopped truly examining myself, stopped asking these questions.  I’m a christian and I love God, so all’s well that ends well! Right? Meanwhile, I wake up angry most mornings and consider a ‘good day’ to be one in which I don’t totally erupt on my children and have to beg forgiveness moments later… after the doors have already been slammed.  You can’t unslam a door, did you know? No matter how much I beg their forgiveness and explain that mommy needs Jesus to heal the rough patches in her heart, the abrupt and hollow sound still lingers. It echoes on and on and on and on inside me for days and months and years.

How do I find freedom from all the hollow echoes bouncing off my insides? The bad choices? The wrong decisions? The shame upon shame upon shame? The things I’ve done? The things I’ve said? The hurt I’ve caused? The things I’ve chosen to see? The things I’ve pretended not to see? All of these things are noise in my soul, and I can barely hear myself or God above the racket.  My head feels so loud all day everyday and I can hardly make myself sit still in one place for too long because it’s all screaming and if the house is perfectly tidy all the time maybe no one else will hear this mess in me…

The love of the Father.

All things go still when He steps on the scene. A holy hush, and everything drops to the knee. This is the only balm for my frazzled nerves, the peace that my roaring soul so desperately needs.  The old reverberations are swept away and it’s suddenly so quiet it almost hurts. He is so very close. He is so very love. And I’ve been running around like a chicken with its head cut off all this time- trying to avoid this gaze so piercing. His love is the only thing that will silence all the noise, but how do I embrace it?  How do I surrender all of this inward chaos and open my arms to it?  It’s one thing to know about it. It’s another thing entirely to allow the Spirit inside of me to cry out “Daddy!” and wrap its arms around His neck- to live truly believing that the past mistakes are not what He sees when He looks at me.

The walls of this heart here are so high, so strong. They’ve defied all love-inspired attacks raised against them. I so desperately want the love of the Father to ring out loud and bring these walls rumbling down, brick after brick, all dust and smoke, but maybe it looks more like peeling one brick away at a time? Chiseling it off and walking it to a far off place to bury it? Oh, Lord, I want the mess & the crash! Is it okay to admit that? One way is tidy and the other looks more like a war zone, but I am so very tired of tidy. My life is so… tidy! I’m asking for the wrecking ball. I am asking for the mess. I am asking to be ruined by Your all-consuming love… for the ‘knowing about‘ to become a complete and total surrender– where insurmountable walls are turned to settling dust and white flags are flying bold & brave up high in the wind.

Redemption.

Life looks much different today than it did a few short weeks ago, and as with any change and transition, there is so much hope and excitement in that, but not without cost.  In January, my husband took the position of Worship Pastor at a brand new Acts29 church plant here in Edmond, Oklahoma called Redemption Church. The only way to describe the events of the weeks leading up to our ultimate decision is… “whirlwindy”. hehe.

Allow me to explain.

We had been a part of the same church here in Oklahoma since the moment our feet hit this beautiful red soil, and we had remained there for 8 wonderful years.  These were the happiest, most grounding, solidifying, faith-building, eye-opening, preciously community-driven years of our lives, and we would not trade even one millisecond of our time at Bridgeway for anything in the world.  Every week we were poured into so richly – seeing the gifts of the Spirit operating right alongside Biblically sound teaching and theology… a rare thing to get to experience in this world!  Every week I would leave, amazed that I got to sit alongside such beautiful people and receive such stellar training that was also so graciously interruptible… The Holy Spirit truly led our meetings and ministry times, and amazing things resulted from that.

When Chris was first approached with this ministry opportunity at the new church plant, Redemption, we were not initially open to it.  Why would we leave such a beautiful place like the one we’d been serving at for so long?  Why would we ever want to go anywhere else? The thought of leaving was just too unsettling to consider for me.  I was so happy at my church, and I felt so blessed every time I went.

We remained mostly closed to the idea of taking the job up until around Christmas time.  I had been studying the book of Matthew for a few months in my bible study and there was one passage in particular that really started to wriggle open my eyes and my heart to what God may be calling us to.  In Matthew 10, Jesus is sending His disciples out into the world for the first time to proclaim that the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand. He tells them to heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, and cast out demons – letting the lost and broken and hurting people of the world see that God was truly reaching down to His people and setting them free.  In Matthew 10:8, Jesus says, “Freely you have received, now freely give.”

Jesus was calling the disciples to take the amazing things that had been poured into them, and pour them back out onto the world.  I’m sure that the disciples would have been much more comfortable staying right where they were by Jesus’ side, watching Him perform all the miracles and signs and wonders, and never having to step up to the mantle Jesus was calling them to.  I’m sure that on that day when Jesus sent them all away, there was a hefty measure of discomfort – walking away from what they knew and loved and turning around to somehow multiply it.  It’s the same concept as Peter stepping out of the boat, just a few chapters later in the book of Matthew.  At some point, our faith has to have feet – feet that are willing to get up and go when God calls you step out onto the water.  At some point, we have to take the training we have received, and train others.  It’s how the Kingdom works! Receive, give. Receive, give. It’s how disciples are made and the Kingdom of God comes to earth.

God was slowly opening our hearts to the idea of taking what we had been given, and, by His grace and Spirit, multiplying it out.

By the time we packed up our car to haul our family out to visit my parents’ in Utah for Christmas, we were both more open to the idea than ever, but still so torn over leaving the church body that we loved dearly.  Everything I knew about God told me that He is always & forever in the business of expanding. It’s just who He is. And it’s what He always called His disciples to. You can hear the bittersweetness of it all in the words of the writers of the New Testament- it was hard for them to leave the churches they loved dearly.  But if they hadn’t, where would we be? I think at this point, we both knew He was calling us to a new place. The question for us now was, were we going to put our feet out on the water? Or stay in the boat?

Over Christmas, we spent hours talking to my sweet family about the decision we needed to make.  Redemption was set to launch in January, and that date was rapidly approaching.  As we talked it over and my family asked us questions and helped us really see all sides of the thing, something amazing happened.  A JOY and a peace and an excitement settled over our hearts like a warm blanket. God knew that we needed that time away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life to clear our minds and really process this decision. It was so beautiful to see how God was working separately in my heart and my husbands heart to soften us and warm us to His plan over all those weeks, so that a couple of days after Christmas, we were able to look into each other’s eyes and discover that we were both on the exact same page.  God was calling, and we would most definitely go.

We were sent out and blessed by Bridgeway to join the new church plant just two short weeks after we had decided to take the job. It happened so quickly and it was hard to get the whole and complete story out to everyone before the announcement was made, but God’s timing was evident throughout the whole process.  My husband and I have been leading worship side by side at Redemption Church for almost 8 weeks now, and the confirmation and blessings and joy have been undeniable.  And now, more than ever, I am so blown away and grateful for the fact that Redemption Church and Bridgeway Church and churches all over America and around the globe and in the remotest of villages are all worshipping ONE God- the same God, and we are all united in Him as one body, the Church.  No matter where we go in this great big world, we are all still connected under one great King, and I find so much peace in that.

Redemption Church has been such a soft place to land.  The people are phenomenal, and we have been so outrageously blessed by this body of believers already. I can not WAIT to see what God has in store through these people for North Edmond.  Looking back, it is so evident now why we were brought to this house waaaaaay North of the city.  We moved out here with great joy, but have always had a lingering sense of ‘why’? Why did you bring us to this house that is so very far North, God?  Little did we know, He was moving us to our new mission field, before we ever even knew we’d be helping plant a church up here. The Sovereignty of God is a beautiful thing.

It is a new season, a new day. The passions and giftings that have long been deep within my husband’s heart are exploding and blossoming and it has been nothing short of incredible to watch. I have been growing as well, and getting to lead worship regularly with my husband is a dream come true.

My encouragement to you-  If you are feeling God call you somewhere new, don’t be afraid to follow! He is a Good Shepherd and worthy of all of your trust, even when it is hard and you don’t understand. The very best place you can ever be is right by His side. He will lead you and keep you, and your very HEART will come to life.