To truly know the Father’s love for me. To somehow smoosh down all of the knowledge of His love that is built up in my head into the deepest depths of my heart. To break up the clog. To clear the line. The more days I live, the more days I see- it’s what I desperately need. It’s all I desperately need. Every other thing is swept away in it.
I know God loves me. I’ve been singing it since I was three. Jesus loves me this I know. This I know. This I know!
But what happens when the weight of the knowing never crushes the heart and splays it wide open? Never wrecks it? Never presses the knowledge down into a tangible affection that trumps every other hard circumstance or blatant devil lie?
I have walked for so long within the walls of church, that I fear I somehow long ago stopped truly examining myself, stopped asking these questions. I’m a christian and I love God, so all’s well that ends well! Right? Meanwhile, I wake up angry most mornings and consider a ‘good day’ to be one in which I don’t totally erupt on my children and have to beg forgiveness moments later… after the doors have already been slammed. You can’t unslam a door, did you know? No matter how much I beg their forgiveness and explain that mommy needs Jesus to heal the rough patches in her heart, the abrupt and hollow sound still lingers. It echoes on and on and on and on inside me for days and months and years.
How do I find freedom from all the hollow echoes bouncing off my insides? The bad choices? The wrong decisions? The shame upon shame upon shame? The things I’ve done? The things I’ve said? The hurt I’ve caused? The things I’ve chosen to see? The things I’ve pretended not to see? All of these things are noise in my soul, and I can barely hear myself or God above the racket. My head feels so loud all day everyday and I can hardly make myself sit still in one place for too long because it’s all screaming and if the house is perfectly tidy all the time maybe no one else will hear this mess in me…
The love of the Father.
All things go still when He steps on the scene. A holy hush, and everything drops to the knee. This is the only balm for my frazzled nerves, the peace that my roaring soul so desperately needs. The old reverberations are swept away and it’s suddenly so quiet it almost hurts. He is so very close. He is so very love. And I’ve been running around like a chicken with its head cut off all this time- trying to avoid this gaze so piercing. His love is the only thing that will silence all the noise, but how do I embrace it? How do I surrender all of this inward chaos and open my arms to it? It’s one thing to know about it. It’s another thing entirely to allow the Spirit inside of me to cry out “Daddy!” and wrap its arms around His neck- to live truly believing that the past mistakes are not what He sees when He looks at me.
The walls of this heart here are so high, so strong. They’ve defied all love-inspired attacks raised against them. I so desperately want the love of the Father to ring out loud and bring these walls rumbling down, brick after brick, all dust and smoke, but maybe it looks more like peeling one brick away at a time? Chiseling it off and walking it to a far off place to bury it? Oh, Lord, I want the mess & the crash! Is it okay to admit that? One way is tidy and the other looks more like a war zone, but I am so very tired of tidy. My life is so… tidy! I’m asking for the wrecking ball. I am asking for the mess. I am asking to be ruined by Your all-consuming love… for the ‘knowing about‘ to become a complete and total surrender– where insurmountable walls are turned to settling dust and white flags are flying bold & brave up high in the wind.