These days have been battlefield days… the kind where every moment feels like imminent victory or imminent defeat, with no middle ground in between. One moment I am soaring high with thanksgiving on my lips, gratitude singing in my heart, joy lighting my face… the next I am hiding in the bedroom- breathing hard and reeling.
I feel like this is all stemming from my dogged determination to dig up gratitude in the hard soil of my heart. It is… extremely hard work. Harder than I ever imagined it would be. But if you think about it, it is sort of akin to throwing a speeding car in reverse on the highway, isn’t it? I have been driving so long and so hard and so far in discontentment! I have been wandering the road for 29 years, grumbling all the live long day! To throw my life suddenly into the direction of gratitude has not been easy. The tires are screaming and leaving melted layers on the asphalt. The smoke billows and every heavy ounce of kinetic energy is fighting the shift.
I am pressing against the momentum of an entire lifetime.
I remind myself that it is just that… a season. It WILL become more natural, over time. As I do the hard work and hard practice of finding thankfulness in every day, every hour, it will become more like second nature. The momentum WILL eventually shift. Oh, I long for that to be the direction of my life!
I will keep fighting. I will keep breathing. I will keep framing up these snapshots of gratitude… little memorials of God’s goodness to me, to my family… preserved in time so that I can look.