There is so much going on inside lately but it’s all too private to broadcast. I’ve been on a journey of becoming more free and it has not been the quick transportation that I was secretly hoping for… more like a slow saunter down an all-too-familiar old road.
Things may look & feel the same in my day-to-day, but I’m going somewhere new. I believe it. This is like the “one last goodbye” saunter where I look over the old ground and then turn away from it forever.
I’ve talked here about my struggle with intimacy and how it has affected every single part of who I am. I am currently on a journey of unpacking that struggle and basically choosing not to live that way anymore because it has all been based on a lie.
I can know deep intimacy. In friendships, in marriage, and in my relationship with God and my children.
Sometimes we are led to believe lies when we are SO young, and then we base our entire lives off of that falsity. It is not easy to backtrack and rebuild. But it is worth it. The God that I believe in is a Repairer of Broken Walls and a Restorer of Streets with Dwellings. He can wipe away this age-old lie and replace it with a foundation of flashing sapphires. And then, before you know it, He’s hoisting up battlements of rubies and gates of precious stones. Over time, the “slimy sand-castle” way of existing becomes a distant dream, and the strength you feel running through you makes the very ground rumble as your enemy flees to cower under the shelter of a rock.
That is the strength of my God. Whom shall I fear?
Even though now it is a struggle every single moment to choose Him over the World, I know that this season will strengthen me and end in a good result, if I can only keep my eyes on Him. I am thankful for these tumultuous times. They are producing in me perseverance, which births character. And character brings forth hope. And hope, by its very nature, cannot disappoint.
Lord, watch over these faltering steps. I am aiming for You.