I wanted to take a few days to let the idea of another boy sink in before I wrote anything about it here. I wanted to have a few days of shifting gears from “the baby” or “it”… to “Him” and “He”. I needed a few days to adjust my thinking.
I had been so set on a girl this whole time, I had gone there in my head and swooned over little dresses and hair bows and the thought of seeing my husband cradling a pink bundle in his strong arms…
So, I took some time to wrap my mind around this baby boy. It’s still wrapping its way around.
My initial reaction, when I saw those three letters on the card, was sadness. It wasn’t a crushing sadness by any means, but more of a “letting go of something I very much wanted” sadness… but it only lasted for about 4 minutes. Chris and I looked at each other and smiled and talked about what we were feeling. I mourned the loss of a PERFECT girl name (and also the complete lack of a favored boy name) and all those little dresses and the special mother-daughter bond. He lifted my spirits and talked of the strengthening bond of brotherhood that Ezra would get to experience and I thought about the equally special mother-son love I’d get to have again.
I felt pretty sad about it right up until the very moment I shared the news with someone. And, ironically enough, the first person to find out what we were having wasn’t a family member or a friend, but the owner of the coffee shop we were sitting in.
She noticed I was pregnant, and so naturally, the very next question from her lips was “Do you know what you’re having?”
I told her it was a boy and I showed her the little black & white pictures I was cradling, and almost instantly the sadness lifted and I could feel nothing but giddy excitement. Exactly like when you fall in love for the first time. Suddenly there were butterflies in my stomach and I had the desire to do a cartwheel right there in the coffee shop.
Sharing the news with family and friends only cemented this joy in my heart. Every time the word “Boy” left my mouth, I felt more and more sure that this was exactly what was meant to be.
The next morning I was wide awake before the sun even came up because I was just too excited to sleep.
Since then, it has been a typical adjustment of ups and downs. Mostly ups. But there have been a few moments when I feel the loss of something creep into my heart for a second or two.
This sadness, just like anything in this life, is softened by the knowledge that God knows EXACTLY what He is doing at all times, and that I generally have no stinking clue.
It is also softened by the overwhelming hope of the unknown future- the realization that I’m ALWAYS in good Hands, and that this amazing baby boy was chosen, crafted, and designed specifically for me and my family by those very same fingers.