The “funk” that had settled over my head like a cold fog is s l o w l y starting to break up. It came as the result of me making myself vulnerable and really trying to take timid steps at bettering myself, and then, in return, feeling rejected.
There’s something about consciously making yourself vulnerable that seems to amplify pain. I’m trying to work on communication, but it’s extremely hard for me. So, when I make an extra effort to communicate, it’s no small thing. The other night, I did that. But communication wasn’t returned. So I cried myself to sleep on the couch- aware of how silly the situation might seem to an outsider, but feeling like my insides were shattering as a result of the slightest blow.
I’m fighting hard against the temptation to give up talking. And I’m realizing that no matter how convincing I’ve been lately- telling myself that this is all my fault and I am the broken one- I’m also realizing that this is a two-way street, and that broken communication is hardly ever entirely one person’s fault. So, all that I can do is open myself up; to be here to listen and to ask questions… and the rest is out of my hands.
That’s what makes this all so hard. Communication is absolutely NECESSARY, but no matter how hard you try, you can’t force it. Often, the harder you try to force it, the further it inches from your grasp. It requires being vulnerable, which is something I am not so good at. It requires allowing yourself to feel out of control. Which is another thing that is about as easy for me as
Advanced Very Basic Trigonometry. (Impossible!)
Over the last couple of days, however, I have made a resolve.
I’ve resolved that I will keep putting my heart out there. No matter how many times it gets bumped or bruised in the process, I will refuse to take the easy road and retreat back behind the walls I’ve built again. Because, in the end, retreating is much more harmful to me and to everyone that I love.
I believe that when we get hurt, we have a choice. We can choose to retreat, or we can choose to blaze forward.
So, onward I go.
Question: How do you keep communication alive between yourself and the ones you love? Do you have creative ways? Set-in-stone ways? Complex ways? Ways that even a monkey could master?
What do you all do to keep the walls down?