Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that Ezra is this out-of-control fabulous, exhaustively amazing, alltogether spectacular BLESSING in my life… How can I not be jumping-out-of-my-skin thankful for every second I get to be with him? I mean, there’s a freakin’ miracle tip-toeing through my living room holding an empty box of Wheat Thins in one hand and a Ping Pong ball in the other.
There are lots of times I pine for the days when I could drop everything and go on random, spontaneous road trips to see my husband play somewhere, or go hang out with new and exciting people without breaking off converstaion every 45 seconds to re-direct curious fingers, or even go browse the contents of my favorite store without screamy meltdowns coming from the stroller- twisting and jerking to break free and RUN from all the girly clothes that DARE to compete for mom’s attention…
In those times, I remind myself that we chose this life. We know that God quietly asked us to have Ezra, and we chose to say “YES” to Him. It was a response of obedience, and I know that God will bless us AND Ezra like crazy for it. But for now, stuff be tuff. In all honesty, the transition into mommyhood has not been an easy one for me. There are days when I question God’s voice and I question God’s plan because the sacrifices often seem to outweigh the rewards, and WHAT THE HECK that’s totally NOT FUN, God. When is it going to get easier?
I’m no longer the center of my attention. And the “old me” has fought against this new reality- kicking and screaming while being removed from the place of honor I was never meant to hold. And this past year and a half has been a crash course of me learning to LET IT GO ALREADY and start enjoying my life. It’s a good place to be, but it goes against every fiber of my being. I love it and I hate it for all the same reasons: It’s making me a better person.
Yet, oh my stars, when that boy snuggles up in the crook of my arm and flares his big ol’ eyes at me as I tell him that the Itsy Bitsy Spider dared to go up the spout yet again… or when he quietly tip-toes around the house looking for me as we play Hide-n-Seek on a lazy Saturday morning… It suddenly feels like I’m floating between heaven and here… much closer towards the heaven side of things.